why i disappeared from social media

for the last 3 years, I have committed myself to growing a brand and a business on social media. Whether through collaborations with brands or coaching companies on social media awareness, my goal had become to eventually make a living on the internet. When I got pregnant, everything changed.

This is the story of why I disappeared from social media.

I thought when I got pregnant for a second time, that this time would be different. I wouldn’t gain as much weight as I did my first, I would continue to stay stylish, and I would be transparent about my journey. As the trimesters passed and the weight piled on, I found myself less and less engaged with social media and with life really. I posted less because I literally had nothing going on. Because I was uncomfortable with my body, I then began to retreat in life.

Now you might be saying to yourself “What a vain betch”, and that might be true, but try telling that to someone who’s struggled with Body Dysmorphia (or the obsessive idea that some aspect of one’s own appearance is severely flawed) all her life. Having control of what I look like, at least in regards to my body, has been my saving grace throughout my adulthood. Now that I was losing control of how my body was changing, I started to freak out and retreat.

Unlike with my first, this time around  I was active on social media and was putting myself out there for anyone to see. This was terrifying to someone who thought, at any size, that their body was un-fit for social consumption. So instead of embracing my new body that was literally making another human being, I decided to hide.

Some people may think this is cowardly, but it was the only thing I could do. I had no other coping mechanism in my wheel house to get through the next 10+ months. Now that I am post partum, and no longer have the baby bump, dealing with my body image issues is even harder.

So what do I do now? How do I make sure I don’t pass my body issues to my 2 daughters? The answer is… I have no idea. The best I can do is not to talk about any of my insecurities in front of them. The conversation switches to body positivity and only words of self love will be spoken in our house. Now if I could only teach myself to practice what I preach…